


1,000th Love Song

by Rukazaya



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Multi, Rebirth, Time Loop
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-05-29
Updated: 2013-06-02
Packaged: 2017-12-13 09:16:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/822613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rukazaya/pseuds/Rukazaya
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>KAWOSHIN. Kaworu is willing to go through hell, heaven and back to find that one universe that'll make Shinji Ikari happy. Loops after loops, rebirths after rebirths, Kaworu loses himself as he tries to accomplish an impossible miracle. (I understand there's a million fics with this concept but I hope it'll still be a fun read)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Title:** 1000th Love Song  
 **Rating:** T for now. possibly M later  
 **Pairing:** Kaworu x Shinji

 **Disclaimer:** I own none of these characters!

_THIS STORY CONTAINS MALExMALE RELATIONSHIPS. You have been warned.  
_

\---

Like the trembling strings of a piano struck with a precise tap of slender fingers upon its keys, the sounds fall into a melody of it's pianist. It came at first as a discordant resonance. His tears forming staccato hiccups; but gradually began to descend steadily like a sudden downpour of rain upon a hot summer day, soaking through a shirt the boy leaned on for support. The fragments of memories within his mind were like broken puzzle pieces - each and every one contributing to the formation of an even larger picture, each and every one too precious and important no matter how minuscule - for it was a picture that could never be complete if even one was to be missing.

 _'His'_ voice in the angel’s memories was always meek and fragile, like a reflection within a pool which could become distorted at the simplest touch or breeze. But with patience it would come back to him at times. That is, with _a lot_ of patience. And Nagisa Kaworu had become that patient because he knew that _'he'_ needed the time. Time of which he always seemed to have a lot of, yet was always running short of near the end. Especially in times of crisis. Especially when _'he'_ needed his time the most.

Sometimes Kaworu wished that time would stop, just... stop, to let the boy heal. To let him catch up. To, at the very least, let him gather up the shattered pieces - the broken bonds, the mangled self confidence and the trampled ego - that everyone had managed to rip out of his heart and to allow him to arm himself with thicker skin... But then Kaworu knew too.... that it was because Ikari Shinji was so hopelessly delicate that he loved him. Because he was as fragile as that elusive image upon calm waters – the one ready to flee upon the first hint of wind - and as fragile as the teardrop that will inevitably splatter into a shapeless form as soon as it fell from his face that Kaworu loved him. Because underneath that thin shell, that one small, petite figure, lay an infinite number of human emotions that it made one almost a wonder how it was even possible for one person to feel so intensely, so intrinsically. But he did. Like several tornados and chaos contained in a glass shell, the emotions were just barely contained within Shinji. And Kaworu loved him. Loved him beyond all the pain and the suffering, beyond all of time and eternity, beyond even all of death and rebirth-

Kaworu loved him so.

 

–

 

A part of the process of accepting came accompanied with the process of letting go. One couldn't accept without letting go and one couldn't let go until one accepted.

Was that why he kept repeating? Because he could not let go? Because he refused to accept? Was that why he kept trying again and again _and again_ to find that one path by repeating his life over and over and over again until he could cross out all the wrong ones?

Or perhaps it was the opposite. Perhaps he has accepted that there must be a path where Ikari Shinji can be happy. That there must be a way for such an ending to take place. And therefore it was, as an angel of free will, his duty to fight against his destiny until he could find that one door amongst infinity others that could lead him there. His resolution must be firm or else, a small tear at the seam will one day unravel him to the core.

First came the waiting. He always waited. At first it had been slow and painful but now it had become more like a meditation for Kaworu as he watched and waited while the events unfolded, watched and waited for the time their paths could cross again for surely they would. As always. And he used those years as a preparation.

This time, surely, he will bring him happiness.

He was starting to forget the exact number of times he had moved from one universe to the next but he knew they were well beyond several dozen. They were blurring together... and that wasn't a good sign. But Kaworu was never disheartened. He planned to keep trying infinite amounts of times to find that one universe. No matter how small the odds, there was still one possibility. One chance. And this time....this time this was possibly the...

“Kaworu-kun! Look out!”

There was a crash as Kaworu was forced to snap out of his thoughts. He jumped and dodged right before a building to his left fell on top of him, the one of which his brother Israfel had just knocked down.

“Honestly, I can't believe you have the leisure to daydream during an angel attack!” was the snappy voice to his left as the sharp voice of the Second Child rang a bit too loudly within his ear.

“Kaworu-kun, are you alright?!”

Kaworu calmly answered with a quick reassurance, “I'm fine Shinji-kun.”

In this timeline, he was able to wait a little less, hurry up the process more... and was able to get to Shinji faster. In this timeline, Kaworu was able to be there for him a bit earlier before the tragedy of his comrades dying upon him and the betrayal could start. Perhaps... it was this timeline...

“Dammit, why is nothing _working_ on this damn thing?!” The Second Child, Asuka screeched in annoyance. She was firing all her rounds into the angel and the angel swallowed it up as if it was just food. Well, Israfel did love food, Kaworu mused to himself.

“Aww geez, don't do that man! Cain't cha like aim or sumthin'?”

“Shut it, Fourth! I didn't ask for your expertise!”

To his right Kaworu could hear Shinji and Touji both groan. The First Child's Evangelion had been immobilized from the last angel attack and as a result wasn’t able to be with them within this battle to help find this angel's weakness. Kaworu, as an angel himself, of course knew of his own brother's weak spot. But it wasn't up to him to give that information willingly. The Lilins must figure this out for themselves.

However, it wasn't until after Asuka had finished off all her magazines, the Fourth Child had tried beating it to a pulp, and the N2 mine used, that the female Lilin commander finally ordered them to retreat - before they could humiliate themselves further - after managing to freeze the angel for at least a week. Kaworu sighed as he sat back and returned to the base. They will all be sharply reprimanded he was sure. Asuka, however, will forever believe none of it was her fault and instead it was all theirs while further using this as a taunt within her forever-one-sided battle against Rei and Shinji- and recently Kaworu as well. As for Touji, the Fouth Child- well, he probably doesn't care one way or the other.

 

Ikari Shinji though... Kaworu wondered what he was thinking. Was he glad he survived? Or did he still wished that he had died, ending his suffering once and for all while fighting in hopes that his father will praise him at his death? His eyes wandered again to the monitor to his right to glance at the sullen serious face before the screen turned black.

 

–

 

They were scolded thoroughly of course by the Lilin who acted as their surrogate mother to the motherless children. ‘Actually…’ Kaworu thought to himself as he looked over at the quiet First Child who wasn't a part of the lot being scolded but still stood amongst them. Not all of them were Lilin, but certainly they were all motherless, like a group of orphans.

There was a quick jab to his side rib, not hard but enough to get his attention as Shinji tried to alert him.

“Nagisa-kun! Are you listening to me? You're not off the hook either! You sat there and just watched!” Captain Katsuragi Misato smacked her paperwork on top of the Sixth Child. Kaworu rubbed his head.

“I was analyzing the angel's movements.” Kaworu deflected. The Second Child just snorted, “oh is _that_ why you almost didn't move out of the way when a building almost collapsed on you?”

“All of you, the matter is very grave.” The vice commander Fuyutsuki cleared his throat and glared down at the pilots who looked down sullenly... save for the two albinos. “The angel split into four completely different forms. We are lucky that it didn't further split into more with the way all of you attacked without strategy. Even luckier we were able to freeze their form temporarily.”

Asuka and Touji both tried to defend themselves as Shinji just sighed defeatedly before muttering softly, “they're only making it worse by talking back.” His words gave cause for Kaworu to glance to his side and to study the boy's morose face. The small quivering pout of his lower lips and those long downcast lashes... Kaworu wondered when he would ever get to...

“Nagisa-kun!” Kaworu's attention was snapped forward with the pain of his right ear being yanked roughly. He flinched at the Captain gaining his attention. “All of you will participate in the synchronization test. Now!” And she shoved the paperwork into his chest for him to clutch onto. That was when he noticed that everyone had gotten the battle plan already and Shinji was looking at him with a worried face.

“Kaworu-kun... are you alright?”

“Thirty eight...” Kaworu mumbled as he faced Shinji's confused expression. He smiled softly at those torn brown eyes while he finally finished calculating within his head so that everything was organized once more. “This is the thirty eighth time.”

“Thirthy eighth... what? I don't understand, Kaworu-kun.” Shinji tilted his head.

“It's nothing. I'm fine. You're too kind to worry over me.” Kaworu chuckled as he massaged his painfully reddening ear.

Kaworu was once again reminded that the Lilin's A.T. Fields were … quite different from that of the angel's as he rubbed the pain away.

 

–

 

“I _refuuuuse_ to stoop to the lower level of that idiot!” Asuka was screeching as she tossed the headgear to the floor. The mat angrily flashed neon colored arrows that they were to step on in time with the beat of the music even after Asuka stepped haughtily off of it. Touji rolled his eyes and muttered more insults before Misato lost patience with them both and broke up their fight by physically pulling them apart.

“They're like cats and dogs.” Shinji sighed as he sat in the sideline.

“Do you think so? I think they're both quite similar... which is why they fight regularly.” Kaworu was sitting next to him while Rei sat on Shinji's opposite side while she quietly read her moves. Shinji turned his face in confusion, “really?”

Kaworu just smiled in reply. “You Lilins really are amazing. Using things like music in battles... your culture is so rich and interesting.” Before the confused boy could ask what he had meant, Shinji was called up next to take the test with Touji. Kaworu watched as they nearly synched, but not perfectly. No... not as perfectly as he did with him. The Sixth Child's lips curl into a soft smile at that memory, at that sense of accomplishment and reaffirmation once again that they were meant to be _together._

“Okay... that completes the test I suppose.” Captain Katsuragi sighed as she scratched the side of her head with the tip of her pen. Asuka crossed her arms and huffed. “Naturally, none of them could match up to my speed and accuracy.”

“Yes, but that's the problem Asuka,” Misato was trying to break the news as gently as possible knowing how sensitive she could be. “At this rate, Shinji and Nagisa has the only 100% synch ratio, with Rei and Shinji being the 95%. The next best matches are Touji with Shinji with 85%, Rei and Nagisa with 85%, … and then you with Shinji as 75%, and you with Touji with 60%, you and Rei with 60% … Technically speaking, Shinji seemed to synchronize the best with everyone.” Kaworu smirked inwardly. He knew he could technically synchronize better with others if he tried but he didn't on purpose.

Asuka muttered about how slow Shinji was and no wonder everyone could synchronize better if they were going slower. Kaworu noticed that the Third Child's face showed no hint of anger or any reaction. Just indifferent.

“Asuka,” Misato said with a hint of exasperation. “If Rei's Eva wasn't damaged from the last battle...”

“You need me, admit it.” Asuka cut her off.

Misato shrugged, “If you refuse to raise your synchro rate, we could always rewrite the core and have Rei...”

“Never! I'm not giving up my Eva!” Asuka screamed at her before she ran out the door. Misato folded her arms and sighed.

“Touji-kun. Please go get her.”

“Eeeeh?!! Why da aye gotta?!” Touji exclaimed in disbelief.

“Because we need her. And you have the best synchro rate with her other than Rei and Shinji. And we'll need to have Shinji be paired with Nagisa-kun at this rate.” Misato sighed tiredly and murmured to herself “If only Mari was here...”

Kaworu overheard that and had thought that too earlier. The Fifth Child of this universe wasn’t him but Mari Makinami Illustruious, another brilliant female pilot who seemed quite attached to Asuka when she was here briefly. Surely if she was around she could have kept Asuka in check more. But she was deployed to America... an insurance in case all the pilots in Tokyo-3 died simultaneously, Kaworu assumed. Their last ace card for the Lilin, secretly hidden away for their emergency. Let them keep their plans, the Lilin of the world government, SEELE, NERV, and other secret sectors. Kaworu's eyes were trained on only one goal.

“EEEEEEEEEEEH?!”

The unison of disgust snapped Kaworu's attention away from his thoughts and back into his reality once more. Touji had brought back Asuka and both were most unhappy when Captain Katsuragi gave her final decree.

“Like I said, this is a mission. Asuka and Touji are to live together and Shinji and Kaworu are to live together for a week. You two _will_ memorize and synchronize everything, especially you two Asuka and Touji! We will simultaneously attack the core at once and destroy the four split angels and...” Touji and Asuka started speaking at once in total disgust with each other before Captain Katsuragi had to raise her voice firmly and with finality, “No buts, that's an order!”

Sometimes everything around him was seen through a filter, like watching the reality of a character unfold within a movie and Kaworu was just watching everything happen. But it was in times like these that Kaworu remembered that it was finally his part to play on the stage and not his role to merely observe. Shinji had been quiet until now, meekly accepting his role and living like an empty shell for the most part. In this universe, he was always overshadowed by the other pilots. In this universe, Shinji was considered the useless one. And Kaworu understood that Shinji was just there, living day by day without a purpose in his life other than just to live. Kaworu had recently joined them and barely had the chance to be together with him but now… now was the chance he had been seeking.

“Shinji-kun?” Kaworu raised his hand and showed his palm to the boy. “I look forward to working with you.”

“Ah... yeah.” Shinji hesitantly raised his own hand to place on top of his, a bit taken back from the sudden formality.

Kaworu watched intently without showing a hint on his face as those slender fingers were lightly placed on top of his palm.

The First Contact.

Kaworu could feel the boy's soft A.T. Field brushing against his own, their skin gently caressing each other's before Kaworu firmly wrapped his fingers around that tender hand.

Finally, his first contact in this universe. Though he had held this hand, touched this skin in so many different universes... each time was special, each time unique.

Like revisiting a first kiss.

Kaworu looked up at Shinji and gave him a reassuring smile.

“This time, I promise to bring you happiness.”

Shinji merely tilted his head in more confusion before he chuckled awkwardly, trying to sound more at ease when he obviously wasn't. “Hahaha... K-Kaworu-kun... you really are weird.”

Kaworu supposed that since Shinji cannot read his mind, he must have misunderstood that Kaworu had meant it in connection to their upcoming battle with the angel, or more awkwardly, their seven days living quarter situation... But no matter, even if Shinji's world view was smaller than his, Ikari Shinji and his happiness was everything to Nagisa Kaworu. And it wasn't wrong that, in part, the battles with the angels and the changes in their living quarters did have something to do with his promise, however, it was just only in part.

Right then Shinji let go, hurriedly fleeing the uncompromising situation as he made up an excuse about cleaning and packing things up. And Kaworu leisurely followed after him with an agreeable smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story has been in my head for a month after watching the Eva Q Rebuild 3.33 yet I was so scared to write it since there's so many other stories just like this one and written better.
> 
> I hope people won't mind another version.
> 
> Thank you so much for those willing to give it a try. I hope i don't disappoint.
> 
> The next chapter is half done so I hope to put it up soon. Thank you for reading and the reviews. I'm very grateful.


	2. 38th Loop

 

 

Kaworu paused from cleaning the windows as he saw a drop of rain fall on the spot he had just wiped. He looked up at the sky as the clouds gathered. There were still a few sunbeams breaking through but one by one, the raindrops started to fall, darkening the grounds one drop at a time. The silver haired albino looked up as the raindrops fell one by one, falling onto the trees, the branches, the leaf, gathering to a corner into a larger drop and falling... and more and more would gather into a little puddle, covering the damp grounds and the streams gathered into little brooks and into a river and finally into the great sea. 

 

Each drop wasn't meaningless. Each drop built into something greater, Kaworu told himself. Though small, even one single drop would surely create a ripple large enough for a miracle. 

 

“K-Kaworu-kun! What are you doing! You're soaked!”

 

That was when Kaworu finally snapped out of his thought. Shinji had grabbed his wrist and pul led him inside. Kaworu stood at the doorway, dripping. He hadn't realized he was standing out there that long while he watched each rain drop fall repeatedly, constantly and continuously, over and over and over. Only thing that broke the repetition of the ripple was Shinji, as if he had thrown a little pebble into the calm pond.

 

“Geez, Misato-san would be angry if you caught a cold before the mission even starts you know. Here.” Shinji quickly ran to the bathroom and grabbed several towels. He then hurried back to try to dry Kaworu the best he could before he stepped inside. Kaworu just smiled gently as Shinji fretted, throwing an extra towel around Kaworu's cold and lightly trembling shoulders.

 

Already a second contact.

 

Nagisa Kaworu was too happy to care about Shinji scolding him. Because he knew Shinji wouldn't be scolding him if he had not cared. Besides, his right wrist still felt warm from Shinji's touch. And...

 

Kaworu grabbed the spare towel and started to make the same motion to dry Shinji's hair.

 

“W-what are you doing?” Shinji looked up at his new roommate with confused expression which Kaworu always found adorable.

 

“We're suppose to do the same thing aren't we?” Kaworu replied casually with a smile.

 

“Yeah but... I'm not wet.” Shinji laughed. “You're really weird Kaworu-kun.”

 

“I guess so.” Kaworu agreed amiably as he ruffled the hair of the laughing boy. 

 

Under their commanding captain, Katsuragi Misato's orders, they were to literally do everything simultaneously, something of which, wasn’t that hard for Kaworu. If Shinji was thirsty and got himself a glass of water, he did as well whether he was thirsty or not. If Shinji was doing the dishes, he helped out too. It was mostly Shinji being awkward and asking if he should do it or not and Kaworu just replying with a smile to do whatever he wanted. Their actions were much smoother despite Shinji’s reluctance’s compared to the other pair. Shinji couldn’t help but sigh as he did the dishes while Touji and Asuka were still screaming at each other not to cross the line regarding their sleeping room. Captain Katsuragi’s house was small and the walls were thin… they could practically hear everything. 

 

The entire first day went without much incident other than Kaworu catching a sudden shower and changing his clothes. Shinji wasn't sure if he had to mimic him and change his clothes too, to which Kaworu thought was cute. The rest of the day wouldn't have gone without much problem as Shinji adjusted to the idea of doing everything simultaneously with Kaworu... until Shinji needed to take his bath. That was when he realized Kaworu was also taking off his clothes. 

 

“K-Kaworu-kun! I… I think we can take baths separately! I mean… Asuka and Touji…”

 

“Don’t male Lilins go to public baths together?” Kaworu looked at Shinji a bit confused. He really didn’t understand Lilin no matter how many reincarnations he went through. Why was it alright to be nude together during some places and not alright in other occasions? When the ritual of cleaning was the same subject matter?

 

“I… well… but…!” Shinji was obviously getting flustered and Kaworu wondered if he should step back. Sometimes he gave Shinji space. But… in this timeline, Kaworu wanted to be just a bit selfish.

 

“Captain Katsuragi had asked us to do everything together. I think we should follow her orders, right? Besides, wasn’t there a saying about… I wash your back if you wash mine?” as he stood waiting for Shinji in the small corridor for the laundry room that connected to the bathroom. Here was some privacy as Kaworu finished stripping and tossed his clothes in the laundry basket.

 

“T-that’s not quite the right way to use it, Kaworu-kun” Shinji stammered as his ears turned red at the conjured imagery from Kaworu’s words.

 

“Or shall I help you out of those clothes?” Kaworu smirked as Shinji flushed an even deeper shade. 

 

“N-no need!” and the dark haired boy took off his clothes in a flash. 

 

The bath was ready, used by Touji earlier. Asuka had gone first and drained the water, saying how nasty it was to share bath waters. Touji, being a more traditional Japanese male insisted that they conserve water by using it together saying that the water was totally and perfectly clean. Shinji sat down in his stool, facing away from Kaworu as he started to get the soap ready. Kaworu smiled softly and copied him, sitting next to Shinji as he grabbed a bucket to pour some water, to show that he really had no other intention than to follow through with their order. 

But Kaworu did want to touch him. Just to hold that soft hand and wrap his fingers around those slender digits. His heart was pounding at the proximity of them being so close to each other finally… but he had to remind himself again and again. Small victories at a time. He waited this long… he could wait longer. 

 

Kaworu and Shinji synchronized as they poured the warm water into the bucket, used the long wash cloth to wash their back and poured the water on top of their heads all in a fluid motion. But Kaworu could sense that Shinji was growing more and more nervous as the time to soak in the bath tub grew closer and closer with each step. 

 

“K-Kaworu-kun… I really don’t think the tub is big enough for…”

 

Kaworu looked back at Shinji with his soft gaze. “Then I guess I can’t take a bath either. Too bad. I was looking forward to it.”

 

Shinji flushed as he realized that it would be his fault if Kaworu couldn’t get a bath. And he probably needed it after getting wet outside. They both had to do this together or none at all. Kaworu smiled inwardly as Shinji came to a realization that he actually held some responsibility to Kaworu's health and stood up. Kaworu wordlessly stood up with him. Then they both stepped into the tub together.

 

The water swelled and overflowed as they both got in.

 

“It is kinda small isn’t it?” Kaworu smiled at Shinji as he faced him.

 

“Y-yeah..” Shinji tried to shrink, pulling his legs together so that they didn’t have to touch. Kaworu did the same but… their toes and legs still touched no matter what. The angel closed his eyes and relaxed, just feeling their skin skim and brush against each other. Shinji seemed to relax more too now that Kaworu’s piercing gaze wasn’t on him.

 

“This is nice. Thank you.” The sudden sound felt loud in the quiet and small bathroom. Shinji seemed startled by the randomness of those words though to Kaworu, it wasn’t random at all.

 

“Thank you… for…? The bath?” Shinji didn’t seem to understand the concept of why Kaworu was always thankful for mundane daily activities. But Kaworu was very grateful. These were the small joys that kept him grounded in each painful reincarnation. Small, mediocre, but precious wonders that only Shinji ever gave to him. 

 

“That’s part of it.” Kaworu finally opened his eyes to smile again which must be quite mysterious to Shinji who couldn’t understand him at all. But the smile at least brought another as Shinji relaxed and laughed along.

 

“You’re weird, Kaworu-kun.” 

 

“So you say.” Kaworu didn’t deny it. Just their toes touching was enough to satisfy the angel’s need for more. It was more than enough actually. They were getting closer and closer and that thrilled Kaworu every second he lived. 

 

The bath ended without any further event and Shinji seemed to trust him more. The last one to bathe was Pen Pen who was upset to see how little water was left after the two boys got out. 

 

The two boys got the futon out and lined it next to each other. Kaworu laid his next to Shinji's after the darker haired boy laid his down first. Then he noticed how Shinji fidgeted and moved his just a bit further away. 

 

“Ah, I'm sorry. You Lilans need your personal space, right?” Kaworu took his futon and moved it slightly further away too, but only by a bit. But it was enough for Shinji to look relieved, letting him know that Kaworu wasn't offended when Shinji had moved his futon further away. In truth, Kaworu was a bit saddened but his heart still remained strong and quite happy. 

 

He would be sharing the night with Shinji again. 

 

Each of their 'firsts' were revisiting points in each of his life. And Kaworu couldn't help that his heart picked up a speed each time these moments crossed paths. 

 

“Too bad the stars are covered tonight.” Kaworu looked up and out the window as the rain continued to pour steadily now. Usually these types of nights were full of stars. Was this the first loop that had a rainy night? 

 

Kaworu was still counting each memory when Shinji cleared his throat. 

 

“Erm... I'm going to turn off the lights now, is that okay?”

 

“Ah... of course.” Kaworu stopped looking outside while in thought and turned to smile at Shinji as he got into his futon. 

 

“Okay then, good night.”

 

“Good night.” 

 

The lights were turned off and the room became instantly dark save for the little bit of light from the window. Kaworu closed his eyes and listened to the rain gently strike the window pane. 

 

It was quiet and serene, the only sounds capable of harmonic silence that of the soft rain and the delicate breathing of the two boys. Kaworu's lips form a smile as he listens to the other's breathing, not yet even enough to indicate that he was asleep. No, definitely not yet. His breath instead betrayed to Kaworu the flutter of an anxious heart beat while Shinji tried to settle, the boy still anxious concerning this unfamiliar setting and uncomfortable situation that he had been placed in. 

 

“Not sleepy?” Kaworu decided to address the other's anxiety instead of ignoring it and in reply he could _hear_ Shinji's heart practically jump when his breath hitched.

 

“Y-yeah...” 

 

The angel turned over upon his side to look at the Lilin. 

 

“Me neither,” Kaworu smiled at him. Quietly Shinji turned to look at him, obviously still feeling awkward despite the admittance.

 

“Is it because I'm here?”  


The dark-haired boy flinched at the angel's direct question. Hesitating, Shinji carefully tried to chose the right words, “I'm just... not used to sleeping with others.”

 

As he had thought, Shinji was indeed uncomfortable with their entire sleeping situation. But Kaworu didn't show a hint of dismay as Shinji looked away.

 

“Am I your first?”

 

“E-eh?!” Shinji's head quickly snapped towards Kaworu again and caused the fair-haired angel to smile back at the renewed attention. 

 

“Am I the first to sleep with you?”

 

“Y-you sure make it sound totally inappropriate...” Shinji sighed, a bit exasperated at Kaworu's word choice. “W-well... when I was in 6th grade, we went to a field trip with my school so... N-not quite...”

 

“Ah, that's unfortunate.” Kaworu did feel a bit let down that he wasn't Shinji's first in something. Be it as innocent as sleeping in the same room may be. Shinji just groaned.

 

“You make it sound so perverted.”

 

“Do I?” Kaworu smiled. He remembered a time when he didn't know the meaning of that word. 

 

“W-well... if it makes you feel any better... I had a hard time sleeping back then too. Though, I think it was because our teacher was snoring really loud.” Shinji turned and grinned. 

 

Despite how unromantic the conversation may be to others, Shinji's smile made Kaworu's heart melt like it always did. And then his chest began to squeeze tightly to the point it hurt physically just to see him. But Kaworu didn't turn away. No matter how bright the light that shone within Shinji, Kaworu would cherish it's warming embrace. He swallowed a hard lump that had lodged in his throat before continuing. 

 

“What was it like? Your field trip?” Kaworu murmured as he tried to get the conversation going. Shinji rarely talked. Probably because no one truly cared to listen to him. But it was always a joy to hear him talk. Because Shinji had such a beautiful mind, Kaworu didn't understand why everyone chose to ignore such a soul's voice. 

 

Lilins were such hard to understand creatures. They sought to be understood yet they abhorred to contact one another and pushed each other away when they got too intimate. A concept still foreign to Kaworu no matter how many times he repeated this existence. 

 

“W-well, it was for the school orchestra so… we went to the countryside’s home for the elderly to help clean their place, then we made a small stage to play a few songs.” Shinji was staring at the ceiling as he reminisced. Kaworu continued to look at him even when Shinji’s eyes weren't on him anymore.

 

“That sounds very nice. How did it go?”

 

“Mmm…” Kaworu made a small sound of encouragement even while his eyes noted how Shinji’s eyebrows furrowed as he tried to remember.

 

“The performance started with the cello to set the tone. I remember being so nervous to start as I waited for the conductor to drop the baton. Synching was kinda nerve wrecking. After that the violas would join... then the second violins starts playing the harmony...”

 

Kaworu closed his eyes briefly to imagine a little Shinji sitting in the front side line, watching his teacher looming above him with his arms raised. He smiled. “And then?”

 

“Well the bass are next but we didn't have any basses since we were kids. I remember I could barely play the notes since my cello was kinda too big for me. I struggled with it a lot.” Shinji let out an awkward laugh at his memory.

 

“Mmm I see.” Kaworu blinked open his eyes to gaze at Shinji again. Each twitch of his fingers, each movement of his lips, each flutter of his eyelashes, even in the dark Kaworu used what little light managed to shine through the storm to memorize this precious moment.

 

“First you start off slowly. The beginning is always slow and soft.” Shinji continued, staring up at the ceiling as the rain continued to pour outside.

 

“Like a gentle whisper?” Kaworu asked.

 

“Like a whisper yeah I guess you can say that.” Shinji agreed. “Beginning is always so slow that I think it'd bore people haha. Kinda like telling a story where you always go 'once upon a time long ago~ there lived a blah blah blah.” Shinji mimicked some old man’s voice and Kaworu couldn’t help but chuckle.

 

“Hahaha... but fairytales aren't that boring. They get exciting and you wait in anticipation.”

 

“I guess, but isn't it boring to know that you know how it'll end?” Shinji’s eyebrows frowned again. Ah, perhaps not agreeing with him made him insecure of his own words.

 

“Do you?” A rhetorical question.

 

“Yeah, it always ends happily ever after, doesn’t it?”

 

“Then are all happy endings boring?”

 

“Well no. I guess the journey can be exciting.”

 

“Aren't there tragic fairytales? I thought all of the original Grimm's fairytales were pretty sadistic and cruel. Like that... what was it? The mermaid one? Doesn't she die at the end to protect her love?” An innocent question tossed.

 

“Ah, that one. Well... I guess that is supposed to end tragic in the original... but it's not like that anymore. All fairytales have to end happily. That's just how it is.” He continued stubbornly. And it was adorable.

 

“So beginnings are always boring?” Kaworu asked again, amused.

 

“Well yeah. But I guess you gotta wait for the set up. So the middle part's good and so is the climax.”

 

“Ah... I see. And then?”

  
“And then what?”

 

Kaworu smiled. “The orchestra. The field trip. You were saying?”

 

“Oh that. Right. Erm… and then all the instruments starts one by one, picking up the pace…”

 

“Was it Bach? Beethoven?”

 

“No. Pachelbel's Canon in D.”

 

“Ah I love that piece. Go on.”

 

“First is one voice. Then another instrument joins. Then another… it starts to crescendo as it picks up pace. “ Shinji said decidedly, trying to describe the music in the silence of the room save for the light rumbling of thunder in the distance and the soft falling of the rain.

 

“Then it… repeats,” Shinji struggled, trying to find words.

 

“Loops,” Kaworu added.

 

“Overlaps. Like Canon.”

 

“Because it’s a Canon.” Kaworu nodded affirming.

 

“the melody becomes a harmony…” Shinji paused, wondering if he got this right.

 

“And the harmony becomes a melody,” Kaworu smiled as he nodded, finishing the sentence for him.

 

“Then there’s the part in the middle where it’s light and skippy. Kinda like… kids dancing in the rain.”

 

“Delightfully whimsical, I can even imagine their umbrellas bobbing left and right,” Kaworu added, knowing what Shinji was trying to describe. Shinji seemed to gain a bit of confidence as he did his best to describe the song.

 

“And then when all the instruments gather together for the finale…. the song would get louder and louder.”

 

“And then it'd finally end.” Shinji sighed. “The last note would drag until the conductor lowers the baton. Almost anti-climatic, the conclusion of the song. No loud boom or a satisfying climax, just a soft drag that becomes a whisper.”

 

“A loop back to the beginning perhaps?” Kaworu added, trying to be helpful.

 

“Maybe. It is a Canon after all.” Shinji let out a heavy sigh.

 

“And then?”

 

“Then?” Shinji asked confused. He had finished describing the song… right? Was there more?

 

“Well… it sounds like there’s more.” Kaworu was watching as Shinji slumped tiredly.

 

“Hmm….” Shinji went back to studying the ceiling as he focused on the memory that he didn’t particularly like. “Then there would be thundering claps from your friends and family for encores even if you sucked at it. Standing ovations and all of that as they stood from their seats for round of applause.... then they'd gather to congratulate their kids...”

 

“…”

 

Shinji fell silent and Kaworu did too.

 

Kaworu knew. That no one was there to congratulate Shinji back then. He watched the Lilin in silence for few more minutes. Then he quietly dared to thread his fingers with Shinji’s. Shinji’s head snapped back towards him with his eyes wide open as expected. Kaworu’s gaze was steady and unwavering.

 

“I'd love to hear your cello one day Shinji-kun. And watch you play with these fingers.” Kaworu’s fingers wrapped around that slender small hand and brought it close. Just a few inches from his lips, Kaworu stopped, his gaze shifting from those tempting fingers back to Shinji’s face. He looked frightened as if he was holding a snake.

 

Kaworu lowered his gaze in repentance. Ah… he acted too fast, didn’t he? He got too greedy… too selfish… it should have been more than enough to spend just few minutes with him. He shouldn’t have tried for a Third Contact so soon….

 

But he wanted to kiss them. He wanted to kiss those fingers that could play beautiful melodies from a cello and kiss away those hard earned scars from long ago. He wanted to make everything feel better. Even if a long time has passed and probably no longer necessary... Kaworu still selfishly wished he could kiss those digits one by one...

 

His heart sank as his fingers faltered before bringing those digits closer to his lips.

 

“Ah i'll stop if you want me to…” Kaworu’s voice trailed off as he started to let go.

 

“Ah no. it's... it's fine.”

 

A pause.

 

Kaworu’s fingers freeze right before he lets go as his gaze went back up to the Lilin. There was a slight flush in the cheeks there that wasn’t there before and his was breath ever so slightly short as his hands trembled.

 

The angel’s hand trembled with him.

 

Sometimes there were no words that could convey his feelings in moments like this.

 

You just let it be. Just enjoy these moments and forget about describing them.

 

Like the sudden downpour of rain.

 

Love always came suddenly and overflowed. Like a tempest it would become storm that would drench you to the core. As deep as the ocean. As high as the clear blue sky. As warm as the summer breeze. And as soft like a mother's lullaby.

 

So they laid there, listening to the steady rain tap on the window glass.

 

“Thank you.”

 

Kaworu’s fingers closed back around that hand as he closed his eyes again, unable to contain the emotion that was spilling forth within his heart. Lilin’s bodies were still weird to him. Awkward at places. Unknown and foreign. Yet no matter how many times he went through this he could never get used to this sweet addiction that captured him so wholly.

 

As the storm washed over them that night, they finally both fell asleep as they listened to the heart beat flowing through each other’s hands. 


End file.
